In a time of wretched, depressing cold I must force myself to remember positive things. Such as this video and: Minty shampoo, Reheated macaroni and cheese, Exfoliating scrub (seriously, I would wash my face with sandpaper if I could), When you eat something delicious and your burps replicate the taste perfectly for up to several hours afterwards, Eyesight, The ability to use all of my limbs, and the words “olfactory” and “apoplectic”.
This is love.
Every year for Christmas I revert to my 4 year old self. I have uncontrollable and unforeseeable outbursts of squeals and giggles. I spend countless hours squinting my eyes and looking at the Christmas tree, ruminating upon what presents to get for people, when I’m going to wake up on Christmas, what pajamas I will be wearing Christmas morning, what delicious food I will partake of, the list goes on. Any aspect of Christmas that you can imagine, I plan it to death. I am the stickler for tradition in my house. Some may even call me the tradition nazi. The tree has to be decorated just so, with each member of the family dressing the tree with their respective ornaments. I must order dominos pizza for the first showing of “The Year Without a Santa Claus” on TV. The stockings have to be hung in order but not until a few days before Christmas. And God help us if there is so much as a hint of a present under the tree before Christmas Eve night.
But this year I have been utterly indifferent. We didn’t decorate the tree, no stockings were hung, the commemorative first viewing of my beloved claymation classic didn’t occur, and the way things are shaping up I may not even be with anyone on Christmas. In years past, any one of these things would have been irreverent, practically blasphemous. I would have surely been smote (smitten?) by the tradition gods. Every year it seemed Christmas was a far-off distant pipe dream that was practically light-years away. This year I keep thinking, “seriously, Christmas isn’t over yet?”.
I think a big part of it is the crazy transitional phase I’m in. I’m no longer living in my house in Caldwell that was the epicenter of my Christmas dreams for 20 years. The family dynamics are changing in more ways than I can enumerate here. And the clutter and noise of it all is almost overwhelming. But it’s not sad, I don’t feel like poor orphan Carolyn who has become jaded and hateful towards all things beautiful. If anything it’s a relief. I don’t have the major, high energy, bowel-shaking excitement of the pre-Christmas build up which means I won’t have the horrible, depressing, downward spiral that coincides with the post-Christmas seasonal affective disorder reality I face every year. It’s nice to know that this year won’t be as much of an emotional upheaval.
Maybe another big part of it is that I have to focus my energy on so many other things. Such as moving, passing my classes this past semester, preparing myself for next semester, leaving my job, dealing with weird family dynamics, and trying with all my might to not succumb to my usual winter depression.
What it comes down to is that I feel good about it all. If I was told by some clairvoyant that there would be a time in the near future where my excitement over Christmas wouldn’t exceed an occasional grin upon hearing a Carpenters Christmas song, I would have laughed in said seer’s face. But it feels so much more peaceful not worrying that each upcoming Christmas won’t live up to my greatest hopes and dreams.
So happy winter solstice everyone! Peaceful Christmas. And as a quick word of advice from my late grandfather, remember that a ripe cantaloupe should feel like a young woman’s breast.
one of the things I actually thank my dad for instilling in me… a deep appreciation for funk.
I believe the same can be said for Hey Arnold and jazz.
hodophilic asked: Why are you so sexy?
two words: Honey Glazed.
One more word: Ham.
Listening to Pandora, putting off studying for my final tonight. Maybe I’m an awful student who has no motivation. But maybe I’m just a normal human who has trouble motivating themselves to do something they deem as highly insignificant in the grand scheme of life. But that can so quickly evolve into an apathy towards anything in life. Maybe not.
I had a meltdown yesterday about the cold. It was mildly amusing because as someone who has a high emotional thresh hold, it takes a lot for me to get emotional about anything. So I ended up cursing at my dad for the first time in my life, which felt pretty great.
My lifelong yearning to buzz my head has grown into an irrepressible obsession. I think I’m going to make it happen when I’m done with my job, perhaps sometime when I go back to school. That’s all for today.
—Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas!
Getting into the holiday spirit, kind of… Recorded this last year with my friend Gary.
Also, I’m watching the blue planet about the ocean, this world is crazy. And awesome.
I don’t know how anyone could listen to him and not recognize that there’s something very significant going on here…
I think everyone has a barrier between their conscious and their subconscious. Every once in a while I get the feeling that the wall has been torn down by those petulant subconscious thoughts and I become utterly overwhelmed by the resulting volume of thoughts I need to sort through. It’s as if everything I could possibly be thinking is on my mind all at once and it’s impossible to construct any semblance of order. And it’s not necessarily the content of the thoughts, but the sheer numbers.
So here’s just one of the topics rolling around in the tempestuous seas of my mind; The other night my cousin brought up the fact that I always talk about my distaste for organized religion and she asked me to enumerate the reasons why. One of those reasons is that churches train children to not fully question, understand, or internalize morality. The best way I can think to illustrate this is through Kohlberg’s stages of moral development, so just bear with me. The first level is when a person doesn’t do something solely because they are aware of the negative repercussions (I won’t hit my sister because I’ll be put in time-out). The second level is when a person doesn’t do something because they’ve been told not to by an authority figure (I won’t hit my sister because my mom told me not to). The final level is when a person doesn’t do something because they understand or believe for themselves that it is wrong (I won’t hit my sister because I shouldn’t treat other people poorly). What churches so often do is indoctrinate people with morals purely on the basis that “God says it’s wrong”. Or even revert to the most basic level of morality, “If you sin, you will go to hell or be punished”. There’s hardly ever room for questioning, because questioning is a sign of little faith. According to so many church leaders, you just need to have faith that because God says you shouldn’t do something, it is bad. I think this is one of the main reasons that hypocrisy runs rampant in the church. Of course there are other factors such as being held to biblical standards is the highest standard one could be held to. Also, people in churches are just that… people. After I ranted about this for a while to my cousin, I listed about a billion other reasons why the church has messed me up, which I will not list here. I am starting to feel, however, that this may end up being a forum for my frustrations on such matters. But not all the time because that’s just a downer.
insymmetry asked: well i'll be darned...you have quite a beautiful voice and a fine ear for tunes if i might say so myself. the social element of tumblr sucks i think. here we are typing in this box which tells us to ask each other questions. what if i don't have any questions? oh! i just asked one...hmm...they got me. get me out of this damn box!
We should sue tumblr. Or just picket. And while we’re complaining about the aforementioned abominations let’s bring up the unlawful combination of consonants in the name “tumblr”. I mean, m, b, l, and r all together with no vowel in between? That’s disgusting.